A few days after I was stitched up (3 days is the worst you know) things started swelling, pulling, pinching and itching. I could handle talking for a bit, but too much made my face hurt later. Ironically, in the accident my phone was destroyed. That ended up being a blessing in disguise.
While I was sitting here worrying about clients not being able to contact me, or the loss of data on the phone, my phone was sitting there being very very quiet. Some moron let the warranty run out with out putting insurance on the phone (yea that was me, for some reason I only had 6 months of protection... accident happened at 6.5 month). I checked into a replacement and HOLY COW... $450 bucks for an older model phone, I don't THINK so. Ah, but Jae got a "free" upgrade that I could snag in only a short week.
So, snag it I did (Since Jae only uses his phone like once each month) and now I have a nice happy modern(ish) phone. It arrived yesterday, and as soon as I announced it.... it started ringing! I am back in touch with the real world. BUT, if I punt your call to voicemail, please understand it's because my jaw is still sore at times, and talking can be ouchy.
Now, as for the last, oh, what 3 weeks? Yeah, well, when you shove dirt and poo into an open cut, there's really only one logical outcome. Infection! Oh sure, I was on antibiotics, anti inflamatories, vaccinated to kingdom come (and you know it was bad when the vaccines didn't hurt) but still, I got a very minor infection. Not a big deal at all....
Except for the vertigo! Oh wow did that SUCK. The cut swelled, and the pymphnode was working, so swollen, and the cut pushed on the lymph node, which pushed on the inner ear, and a bit of infection added something else to it.... The end result was any time I looked down and left, in any form or fashion, my world spun like a drunk's. Except when drunk, your world spins horizontally... mine spun vertically. I learned how to manage it pretty quick (don't look left when turning left, and do NOT look down fast) and oddly, when I closed my eyes the world didn't spin.
Oh, and did I mention the memory loss? Yeah, I has it. A few things are simply GONE, and other things were out of my recall. Let me explain.
I don't remember specific events that happened about a day before the accident. Nothing important, but a horse doing something at feeding time, or Jae telling me something. Those things are simply gone. But hey, every one forgets things! Then there's the lack of recall. I had papers to mail. That morning I had set them aside in the "send out" stack. After the accident, of course, that was unimportant. A few days after the accident.....I still didn't remember that I had to mail them. As soon as some one asked about something, BOOM, I remembered all about it. I needed an outside source to bring the memory back into recall. My normal daily life didn't have the trigger I needed.
The doctors say this is common, and while some memories may be just gone for good, they shouldn't be anything important. I still have some problems with short term memory, but it's getting better every day. So if I have forgotten something you asked me to do.... don't hold it against me! I've been reworking my daily routines to get a "back up" for all those memory things. I tell Jae, I write it down, I put notes on my new phone. Sadly, it's not habit yet, and if I don't do it NOW, I still occasionally forget.
But, will I stop messing with horses? NO! And the filly who kicked my face in, is still one I go up to and snuggle in the pasture. Yes, I make sure she's no where near Sweetie (yeah, they have a serious hate on) but I have no fear of her.
What I AM having trouble with, is confidence around horsey rumps! My old grey mare, Ash, has a very bad habit. When she sees a person she likes, she swings her butt right at you.... wanting it scratched. It's almost the same type of move as a horse does before it kicks. Before, it has never bothered me (well, I tried to train her not to, but gave up after 10 years). Lately, my heart races, and I dodge with out thinking. Ash turns and looks at me like "moron!" and just waits for me to scratch. And scratch I do!
I don't stand between horses at all. I mean at ALL. One could be 20 acres out, but if the direct path to it is where I am... I just move. It's silly, but it makes me feel a bit more confident. I haven't tried riding yet, and when I do, I'm pulling one of my packers out for the first week. After that... it's POKO! I figure Poko is a nice balance of good and bad. I know what he pulls, I know when he's going to do it, and I know I can handle most of it. So when it comes to getting back in the mode of training, he'll be my "experiment". After him, I have about 5 babies I need to get started under saddle.... including the filly that kicked me.
Like everyone out there, I have always had to deal with fear around horses. I'm not scared of horses, but hey, they do things! A horse charging me makes me scared. Sure, I'll stand and deal with it, or hop a fence - which ever is the best choice for that horse - but that doesn't mean I don't experience fear. I just have always conquered it. After the accident, I have more intense fear, so I have to deal with it in different ways. I will still conquer it!
In the last few days, we have had "O" here for breeding. He has been cycled through 3 of my mares, and the process of moving the ladies around, is sometimes... interesting! At one point, I just couldn't take it, so Jae stepped in and handled the silly mare (ironically, the dam of the filly that kicked me... hmm). Was she doing anything bad? Not really. She just did not WANT to leave the stallion! She balked, she got high headed, and acted like she'd drag me.
But having someone like Jae around is priceless for overcoming the fear issues post accident. He doesn't say a thing, just watches me. If I move in a way like a scared little kid around a monster, he just steps in with "here, I'll get that". If I need a hand, I just ask, and he does it with out a single complaint. He lets me try what I want, and push myself as far as I can, and is there when I need to back off. He starts things that will encourage me to join in, and get in the "thick" of things with out being in the THICK part of it. Like scratching the horses over the fence. I can be there "in" the herd, but out of harms way. I still get the feel of being with the horses, but it doesn't set off my anxiety meters.
Every day I get better. I've only been up and "normal" for a few days now, but I can really tell the difference. The first day, I didn't want to go in a stall with a horse that was excited (and at feeding time... that's most of them) even if the horse was well mannered. Now, I avoid some thing I know could do silly things (like the stallions that aren't breeding) but gladly walk in with others even if they aren't standing quietly. Scorch is a good example.
I figure it will take me about a month to get back into the swing of things, and working with the horses like I used to. I won't push it. If I'm too scared, or insecure to do something, I will stop before I make a stupid mistake. With that said, I will do something if I'm just anxious, but still in control.
I know that my accident was a great example to many people of what CAN happen, even to experienced horse people. I've been training "rank" horses for 13 years, and that was my first kick. I also know that talking about fear issues is something very few people do. Even my mother told me "you never get scared!" when I've always had moments of fear, but simply worked through it. I think you're lieing if you say you don't EVER get scared around horses!
So talk about it I will. I have an advantage over many people because I do know what I'm doing, and what the good side of it feels like: the high of working well with a horse using trust. At the same time, I also know that fear is anything but logical, and it strikes when it wants to. Who knows, maybe some of the tricks I use can help some one else, or give insight to those who have yet to face this problem. Either way, yet another bruise to my ego by admitting fear is a small price to pay if it helps anyone.
And every little step forward, is a step closer to the saddle. And y'all will likely be along for the ride!