Cayenne has always been a darling little pony, but tonight, when making her some mush, I thought she looked taller. You know about absence and all that. Well, I can't just a horse's size to save my life, so I pulled out the stick. Yes, Cayenne is 14 hands, and 1/4 inch tall!!! She's a HORSE! When did that happen???
So, she's a bit bonkered up from her trip out east. I don't know what happened, and it doesn't matter. I do know that she says her mouth is sore, her poll is sore, and her hip hurts like hell. Did she get the hell kicked out of her? Did she fall while tied? Did she pull a Cayenne nap when she was at a patience post? In the end, it doesn't matter. My baby is home.
I had missed her little murmers to me at feeding time. Oh how she loves the bucket - it's her mother after all. I missed having a nice "pasture rider" for myself, since Poko can't hang in the pasture any more. I realized that I need a nice small moving quarter type horse.... the day after she left. So I can't tell you how nice it is to know that she is home, she is safe, and she will never be sold into some place I can't control again.
And then there are my fear issues. Oh they are still here. They come, and they go, but for the most part I just deal with it. Some one earlier mentioned the "give it time" comments. I actually think there is some plausibility to this, but not as the sayer thinks. I have found that the best way to address my fears, is to acknowledge my fears.
I trust my horse when I think I can, and I move out of the way when I don't feel right. If that means I am running screaming from sweet darling Boo, well that is just what I do. If people don't like it, then they don't have to be around me.
Every time I have tried to push myself to get over it, I regress. It's usually not pretty, and a lot of times it has tears and snot involved. Hey, I got kicked in the head, it's not exactly a fun thing I want to repeat! My mother always said "better safe then sorry" and I believe her. Also, it seems that having some one near me do something gives me courage. Jae can pick up that horse's feet, so I can too... lemme try. Mom just rode that horse at a canter today, so let me try. Kris just, Leah just, Rachel just, Amy just...... I'm surrounded by examples of just a little thing that I can suddenly do because I saw some one else just do it. Maybe it's brushing a horse's tail.... pulled over to its ribs, but brush it I did! I take pride in those accomplishments, because to ME they are a big step.
Tonight, I vented publicly. I stressed, I whined, and I let it out there. It feels kinda good to do that every once in a while. And do you know what happened? My friends and family rushed in with support. A coffee at my desk here, a shoulder there, a chat on facebook that made me smile, tons of texts, and a phone call saying "here's the bush, and there's the bear". Something I thought would be a minor scrolling bit of text in the virtual world ended up being a warm and fuzzy virtual hug.
The best part.... I heard the words I needed to: "We understand, you're not alone. We're with you."
I am going to keep doing what I'm doing. I always try to learn from my bad days and my mistakes. And I'm going to be realistic about my business. None of those things are shocking to any one that knows me. I don't think I could give up horses completely if I wanted to. I do always think so long and hard about breeding, and I try to sell only to the best of homes.
I also feel that it doesn't matter WHY a horse doesn't work out, I only need to get my horsey home. If I lose money, then it's only money. A life is always more precious. And some how, the money follows the good intentions. I mean, I do horses for a living! It's been said that can't be done, and yet I do it month after month. Oh there are heart breaks and wonders, but it's something that is more then a job. I think the biggest reason why I can make a profit in horses is because I try so hard to be honest. Maybe I'm wrong some times, but I do not lie about it!
And yes, I really am this much of an optimist at the end of the day. I just whine and moan in the middles.